Dear Mr. Goldstein:

Congratulations! Your generous $100,000 donation ensures you a berth for yourself, your lovely wife Janice and your two young children, Annie and Jacob. We’re delighted you will be with us on our upcoming Progressive Theme Cruise to the Gaza Strip.

Clearly, you are a cut above the average progressive. Rather than remain comfortably ensconced at 502 Park Avenue, New York, New York, you’ve chosen to take an active role in changing the world.

To answer your son Jacob’s question, our cruise does not include an on-deck water park. However, we’re especially glad your kids are coming because this is a kid-friendly cruise packed with activities for 6-8-year-olds!

We have Bilal El-Nawajhallala on leave from running our Hamas day camp. And yes, you guessed it, just like our boys in Gaza, little Jacob and Annie will get a chance to strap on suicide belts, shoot live ammunition and participate in protest marches around the ship while shouting our Palestinian battle cry “Itbach al Yahud,” which translates roughly as “Peace! Peace be upon you!”

And that’s not all! You’ll be thrilled to hear that overall responsibility for the kids’ educational program on this cruise is in the capable hands of our Youth Program Director—none other than American elementary education superstar William Ayers!

Your Annie sounds like quite the world traveler. That’s some souvenir collection you describe! We regret that there will be only one port of call. We can’t risk sailing into ports willy-nilly to become sitting ducks for Israeli seal teams looking to attach magnetic mines to our ship.

The good news is that Annie will receive a special Shahid medallion—and she doesn’t even have to become a Shahid to get it! It’s a one-of-a-kind souvenir and only available to cruise participants. What’s more, she’ll find hundreds of souvenirs in Gaza itself. Contrary to what you’ve heard, Gaza is brimming with goods. We’ve even opened a new mall this month chock full of every sort of item imaginable.

Naturally, our goal is to make everyone as comfortable as possible and while we understand that your wife Janice loves the water, exercise, and is looking forward to some relaxing spa treatments, neither a pool nor a spa nor a gym will be available on our freighter. The good news is that she will be required to wear a burqa at all times outside her cabin. I can tell you from my wife’s personal experience that nothing burns fat more quickly than walking around in a wool burqa in 100 degree heat. Your wife will not have to worry about keeping her figure on this trip!

As you know, you will be flying from New York to Tunis. From there you and your family will take a charter flight to Cyprus on a small, Russian-built plane that was transported piece-by-piece from Belarus.

If you reach Cyprus, you will be met by a representative of the Istanbul-based Committee for Peace, Freedom, Social Justice, Mercy and Goodness. He will ask for your papers. He will keep them. This is for your own safety. Should the Zionists succeed in boarding our vessel, and obtain your papers, there is no telling what they may do with them. It’s possible they could steal your identities and use them as cover for some terrorist subterfuge such as they recently conducted in Dubai. If anyone is going to use your identities, it should be us.

You will then board the French freighter the Champs-Elysees. We’ve learned from our sources that the Zionists have been talking about the use of missile boats, that is to say, the missiles on the boats. We’re confident that this is hyperbole. Despite what you may have heard from our own information program about Judeo-Nazi, imperialist, apartheid storm-trooping eceteras, eceteras, the Israelis are a bunch of pussycats. However, even wussies go ballistic from time to time and—who knows?—this could be that time.
As we warned you at the outset, this ship has no Lido deck. In deference to our Moslem guests, no alcohol will be served; no talking at Muslim prayer times; no dancing; no Western style music; no religious books or symbols unless Muslim-approved.

Whatever amenities you will sacrifice are more than made up for by the quality of your fellow travelers. Many of the moral and intellectual superstars of our age will be helicoptered in to speak to our guests. These include former President Jimmy Carter, who will talk about how the Jews destroyed his last peanut harvest, Investigative Journalist Seymour Hersh discussing the “Nexus,” the secret ties between Barack Obama, Bashar al-Assad and Bibi Netanyahu and their role in 9-11, and Noam Chomsky on “Hamas: Hard-Wired for Harmony.”

You will be making history as you hobnob with battle-tested fighters for peace, who will conduct workshops on building nail-studded pipe-bombs and other exciting topics.

Lastly, many cruise lines promise you paradise. It may turn out that a few of our passengers actually enter paradise. Should Allah pick you for martyrdom, rest assured that you’ll get a street named in your honor and your family will receive a letter of praise from Mahmoud Ahmadinejad himself! With his embossed seal.

We look forward to welcoming you aboard!
Sincerely,

Mahmud Shahristani
Progressive Theme Cruises •

This entry was posted on Wednesday, August 18th, 2010 and is filed under news. You can leave a response.